| Navigating devastating outcomes | Motherhood | Intuition |
It’s funny you know, we have heard the term “Mothers intuition” a thousand times before but we seem to skim over just how powerful it really is!
In our daily life, as a mother, we often doubt and second guess every single decision we make- well, I do anyway. Is this the right choice? Am I doing what’s best for my child or my family? Am I going to regret this later? Will I be judged for this? It’s honestly never ending, and don’t get me started on the mum-guilt that follows on from that.
Well last week was no different.
In the lead up to a huge event my daughter was scheduled to perform her dance routine at, I was bombarded with thoughts of doubt and confusion.
Who gets invited to this event? Will they be upset if I don’t include them?
For me growing up, if I had any kind of event, there was one person supporting me and one person only- mum. But in this generation and our family culture, EVERYONE should be invited.. and where do I draw the line? She’s literally performing a dance routine for 2 minutes and its only her second time performing infront of an audience yet I’m expected to share that experience as a mother with our whole extended family.?
I had invited grandparents and Aunties and Uncles, and still copped slack from my husband sticking up for those who I didn’t invite. So in the end I had ended up inviting a lot of people to this dance performance.
I knew in the back of my mind that I would have enough to worry about without having to worry about our invited guests arriving on time, finding parking, finding the stage, finding a seat, etc etc..
I already had to worry about us getting there on time as a family. I had to make sure the little performer had her outfit all ready, her hair, makeup, and shoes all ready to go. Everyone had to have breakfast and coffees, I had to ensure the baby had his milk and naps on schedule and that I was packing pumps and bottles and nappies and wipes, check my husbands outfit changes 6 times because apparently he cant decide for himself and somewhere in this morning shit show I had to get ready myself.
The onslaught of traffic and parking was that of nightmares and we had to allow extra time for this aswell.. and all of this is playing on repeat in my mind as we get through it all but I can’t help worrying about my daughter who’s about to get up on stage infront of hundreds of people. Is she nervous? Will she forget the dance moves? Is she going to smear all her makeup? Will she just stand there picking her nose? Incase you’re wondering, the answer to all of those questions was yes… but she’s only four so that’s all okay.
She lined up next to the stage with her teachers and peers and everything was going pretty well. I left my family at the sidelines since we didn’t have a good view of the stage and positioned myself pretty much front and centre so I could see her dance.
So that I wouldn’t miss a single thing!
I told her where to look for me before she went up too- “Mummy will be right in this spot okay, so if you look right here you will see me!”
There were so many people, she couldn’t see me despite me waving my arms around and throwing in some of the dance moves for encouragement.
She stood there for the whole song, with red lipstick smeared all over her little face; crying.
I myself, also crying and struggling to contain myself from running up there and grabbing her off the stage.
Her little face was so scared and upset. I could feel her pain. I knew something must have happened to her right before she went on stage. Maybe she fell over? Maybe another little girl was mean to her? Maybe the teacher said something wrong and she decided to flip her switch?
I was devastated for her. She practiced her dance all term and all week at home leading up to it. All to just stand there crying.
As soon as it was over I ran back out to my mother in law who saw me crying and gave me a big hug. But they didn’t see what I saw.
I explained how she stood there crying for the whole thing and how I could tell something was wrong and everyone kept saying “She must’ve been nervous!”, “There’s so many people here, she was probably too scared”. But I know my daughter and she aint got no stage freight!
The teachers ushered the kids off the other side of the stage and we had to find a way around the back to get to her on the other side and I was a mess scrambling to get to her quick enough.
My heart was racing, hands shaking and dripping sweat seeing her like that and knowing she didn’t have any of her people there to comfort her.
I finally get to her and she was still crying. Daddy got there first and she was getting a cuddle at least. As I pushed myself through the crowd to get to her and hold her I questioned “What happened?!”
Everyone’s putting ideas in her head;
“Was it a bit scary?”
“Is it cause you couldn’t see us in the crowd?”
“Did you hurt yourself?”
“Did you forget your moves?”
“I would have been scared too!”
Further overwhelming her with all these thoughts.
Through her tears, she finally says she was scared... but not what she was scared of. I knew that wasn’t it.
Eventually a big hug from her little cousin helped her feel good again and we moved on with the day. We were all still so proud that she got up on the stage in front of so many people.
Later that day she began to open up about it saying how she forgot all her moves. And I said, “Of course you did! You were upset for some reason.”
“I just didn’t want the man to pick me up..”
There it is!
Finally I got my answer.. Something DID happen right before she went on stage.
The steps to get on stage where quite large and had big gaps so the teachers picked up every one of the little kids from the lower ground, up onto the stage which would have been fine if one of HER teachers had picked her up.
Instead, the owner of the dance company was assisting and had passed her up himself, and she doesn’t know him.
Of course she’s going to be petrified if a strange man picks her up, while everyone’s in a big rush and she has no idea what’s going on and she can’t see any of her people.
I knew she didn’t have stage freight or that a big crowd would throw her off. I know my daughter and she loves the ‘all eyes on me’ thing.
I also knew I shouldn’t have invited everyone we know to come and watch her break down on stage.
Not that I knew that was going to happen, but maybe she’s embarrassed about what happened? Maybe she’s upset thinking she let us all down? My gut was hesitant to have everyone there and I just didn’t know why. It was protecting her.
Now I’m left feeling heartbroken for her and my mother’s intuition was telling me the whole time, something isn’t right.
I guess there’s no lesson here, since there was nothing I could do to prevent or change the outcome but I am proud that I trusted my gut and pressed for a real reason why she stood there crying. That I didn’t just accept she had stage freight.
Now I can take what I know and provide some feedback to her dance school so that maybe next time our whole experience isn’t ruined by a strange man picking up my 4 year old daughter.
A mother knows her children better than anyone else in the world. And Mother’s Intuition is a powerful thing.
I’m proud of my daughter and proud of the bond we share. I feel somewhat at ease knowing that I can feel her emotions and that I will notice in future when something isn't right.
Many things are out of our control but I can be damn sure to trust my intuition next time knowing that I already have the tools and answers I need.
Love, Trina x