Espresso Depresso

| Navigating feelings of defeat | Struggles of sleeplessness | Working a Thankless Job | Motherhood

I haven’t been doing so well lately. I'm struggling to find anything to write about while im so far in the dumps.

I’m not sure if it’s just from the lack of sleep or perhaps the lack of ‘village’ or whether it’s something more sinister that I have inherited from my mother.

I just feel espresso depresso a lot lately.

I’m feeling scared with the memories of post-partum depression I had with my daughter, or post-partum psychosis I should say.

Luckily, I’m still breast feeding my son and that’s providing enough Dopamine to keep me afloat but 3-4 years ago I didn’t have that.

There were a few times my darling husband had to see things no partner should have to endure. Perhaps I should place a trigger warning here.

See, my daughter didn’t ever sleep through the night until the age of 15 months.

Not even once.

I was struggling with post-partum depression and anxiety during the peak of Covid-19 and we had just moved house twice within 4 months with a baby under 6 months old. I was exhausted to say the least and obviously struggling mentally. I had been stuck with my baby 24/7 and we weren’t allowed to leave the house or have visitors during this time.

I guess you could say I was going bat-shit crazy.

I can’t even remember what the straw was that inevitably broke the camel’s back but it would have been something minor and I flipped my switch. Sobbing tears, yelling profanities, begging for a breath of fresh air!

I remember feeling so desperate for a damn break I grabbed our Globe kitchen knife, turned it towards myself and pressed it against my chest. Luckily, it didn’t go any further than that. Well, the knife didn’t, the feelings do. And don’t worry the baby wasn’t there to witness.

I can’t begin to describe the frustration and despair I felt. Even though, on the outside everything looked amazing- a gorgeous new modern home on 11 acres of beautiful green grass, surrounded by serene views of the mountains and chattering wildlife all around me.

Clucky little hens wandered the manicured grounds. The sun would beam through the windows of the home onto clean floors. And the Cicadas would sing as the sun went down at night. I had an amazing supportive husband and a sweet little innocent baby. What did I have to be so angry and upset about? The exterior was so beautiful, so peaceful.. but inside?Inside I was drowning! I was living in a black tunnel where all I could see were my struggles and lack of freedom. I was tired, I was sore, I was desperate for a break and a good sleep.

My hormones were raging, trying to adjust to motherhood and this pandemic level of life and I was in survival mode.

It’s impossible to imagine just how blackening everything can be when you’re not in the trenches yourself. Even when you’ve been through it, and made it out the other side, you forget just how bad it really was- well I did anyway because I went back for round 2.

Somehow with time things got better. I survived the war against my mind and it all just kind of disappeared. I didn’t take any medication or see any specialists. Lockdown restrictions began to ease and we could start seeing our loved ones again. My daughter began to sleep better and I began to do things for myself like manicures, pedicures and getting my hair done.

But I think besides my daughter; having my husband talk me off the ledge and support me through every single emotional breakdown I have and still be standing here beside me after it all is what has kept me here.

Yes, he comes with his own ways to push my buttons which probably inches me closer to the ledge sometimes but he has been the one to save me every time.

If it wasn’t for him, I may not even be here today.

Or I guess I could argue that he gave me these kids and it’s all his fault! HA.

Currently, I’m not anywhere near that level- I’m not even depressed- I’m just exhausted and adjusting. Once this baby sleeps longer stretches, and my daughters tantrums level out; life is going to be so damn good. I need to keep reminding myself that this will pass. Soon my babies will sleep and I know I’ve said it before but this is my whole reality right now. Just getting through it. Surviving.

It has been so isolating. Being a mother. And even though it doesn’t feel like it, I am learning lessons every day. There’s no time for yourself, no sleep, no grown up fun.. its just exhausting. You’re never alone but it is oh so lonely!

This time, having a baby was easy. It’s my big kid that still provides me with the ultimate tests and trials of life. Teaching me lesson after lesson, time and time again! All while sleep deprived hahaha. I guess the lesson is teaching me to be more patient and resilient.

I feel like I’m failing every single day. Failing or drowning- one or the other. A conversation with a girlfriend just today; reminded me that I’m not alone. Mothers everywhere are feeling the same way! And I guess I can take my lessons and share with not only other mums alike but with anyone struggling with something right now;

This too will pass. You are not alone. You will get through it and it will all be worth it. I know it’s hard but you’ve got this! You are a strong and capable human being. You are doing amazing.

I want to take this opportunity, of course to thank my husband for pulling me through every struggle but ultimately, I want to thank myself. I owe myself the many thanks for all the hard work I have put in physically and mentally, for all the sacrifices I have made for my family and for all the times I didn’t give up. For the endless hours of unpaid work, the sleepless nights, the sickness, the monotonous routines, missing out on events and friendships- all of it. And if no-one has thanked you lately; THANK YOU!

Thank You Trina for Keeping on.

Love, Trina x