Embracing the Unexpected: My Healing Journey After a C-Section.
Disclosure: This entry details dissapointment around giving birth, however this is my own personal experience and I am so so greatful to have been given this opportunity regardless. My heart goes out to anyone experiencing grief before, during or after pregnancy 🤍
When I first fell pregnant with my daughter, I was told “You’ll have a c-section. Your hips are too small.”
It was 2020 and being the headstrong, stubborn individual I am; I was determined to have a natural birth, a water birth to be specific with little to no drugs because I am a strong, capable and empowered woman. Despite the nay-sayers and the comments about how big my belly was, and how small I am, I continued with the belief that I could do this. Rightfully so- women can do anything.
I practiced my breathing regularly, I took walks and bounced on yoga balls to open my pelvis. I had even purchased an Epi-no to stretch out my perineum- if you don’t know what that is; it’s a balloon device which you insert into your hoo-ha and gradually inflate it and you continue to do this daily until you can reach 10cm in diameter, but when push came to shove, literally, my heart failed me.
The first lock-down of Covid hit us and I almost wasn’t allowed to have my partner in the birthing room with me. They knew they were messing with the wrong girl though so we digress. We had a midwife come and check on us every few hours but we were alone and scared in the birthing room, not really knowing what we were doing.
After labouring for 16 hours, sucking down hard on the gas.. I had been begging for an epidural for the past 5 hours. Eventually, I got my wish granted and Doc got to work.
While the Anaesthetist bent me over the edge of the bed and explained the risk I was taking, I was in and out of consciousness begging Andrew to speak on my behalf using only my eyes because I just could not get my words out. Maybe I was delirious from the gas.. I thought I was going to die. Five minutes after having this magic serum inserted into my spine I felt my soul come back to my body.
But I was panicked from my near death experience. I went into tachycardic shock. My body thought it was dying!
Baby’s heart rate was elevated and they deemed an immediate emergency caesarean. With instant tears in my eyes; I looked at Andrew holding my hand and back at the 5 “experts” looking back at me. I pleaded “please no! I don’t want this!” and the anaesthetist looked back at me furrowing his brow and said “You don’t have a choice, If you don’t get her out now, your baby will die”.
Within 10 minutes I found myself in the Operating Room sliced open and staring at my daughter wrapped in a blue and pink hospital blanket being held to my face by my husband. And in the next breath she was whisked away for skin to skin with daddy while I was sewn back together and made to “rest” for the next 4 hours before I could hold my baby.
I missed out on doing something a woman’s body should be able to do. I missed out on skin to skin with my first born child and the precious ‘golden hours’.
What a surreal feeling to have such a special moment- that's supposed to be so natural- completely crushed with medical intervention and witness your beautiful daughter be welcomed earth side and not allowed to hold her, all at the same time.
Fast forward three and half years, skip the post partum depression, anxiety and trauma; here I was; ready to try again. I had read everything about VBACS, hired a doula and exercised every bit of knowledge I had. I was back in the birthing suite for a second time, in a better hospital with my husband by my side, my own midwife and my own doula! I had the dream- team, I had the knowledge and boy, had I done the mental groundwork. This was my redemption birth.
Except it wasn’t.
I laboured at home for as long as I could to avoid said “experts” pressuring me into anything. I had my doula on the phone and meeting us at the hospital. When I got there I was 8-9cm dilated and shocked I had coped so well compared to last time. I really thought I had it this time! I spent the morning squatting in the hospital bath-tub labouring until my waters broke. I was getting tired and decided I would get the epidural to avoid panic. To avoid the very problem I encountered with my first birth. And while the boost juice kicked in and had me feeling on cloud 9, I failed to progress after that.
My son; casually hanging out in my uterus was getting squeezed every 2-3 minutes, and decided to skip a step and do his first poop before being born and that’s where it all fell apart. After receiving ‘the talk’ from a few of the professionals about the risk of waiting for a natural birth, I decided to go ahead with the c-section. For my son’s safety.
And so here we are a second time. Laying under bright lights, cut open from left to right and having someone else hold my baby in front of my face. Once again, I am heartbroken. I was twice robbed of skin to skin and golden hour with my precious babies. A lot more happened on that table but that’s a story for another time.
But this time felt better. I CHOSE when to quit. I chose when to have a c-section and I wasn’t forced.
While I missed out on a ‘natural birth’ I still birthed both of my babies and we all survived the trauma that came with it.
For anyone who thinks a c-section is the ‘easy way out’- you are sorely mistaken. Those were some of the hardest things I have ever done and while I have had to endure the grief that I couldn’t do it naturally and also take the longer road to recovery; I have learned to be proud of how I got my babies here.
So here I am writing this all out to say goodbye to the sadness and the shame I have felt around having 2 c-sections. Some things are out of my control and there’s nothing I can do about that. I still stood strong, looked death in the face and refused to give up in order to get my babies here with me.
And here I am. A Strong, capable and empowered woman- with a massive scar to prove it!
If you’re also a c-section mama, wear your scar with pride because you did it! You did what you had to do for your baby and you should be damn proud.
Love, Trina x