| Overcoming trials of breast feeding | Bonding | Grateful |
Had you of asked me 6 years ago if I was ever going to breast feed, I would have told you; Hell to the no!
I would love to use past – tense here and say that I had insane nipple phobias but that would be incorrect.. I still do.
This might be too much information here, but I cannot stand the sensation of my nips being touched. Whether on purpose or by accident. I’m not sure if it’s the irrational fear that they’re somehow going to become detached from my body or some of my sensory issues spiking.
About 10 years ago a work colleague of mine told me of her own story where she had her nipple pierced and somewhere along the way, as she was sleeping; the piercing became stuck on a thread in her bed and ripped through her nipple… excuse me? I have second hand scarring from that alone!
Yet here I am absolutely adamant that my second baby is exclusively breast fed. Just the thought of quitting sets off my anxiety and whirls me into a million different thought paths and makes me emotional to say the least.
See even with my first born, I really wanted to breast feed. I pushed past the sensory issues and the excruciating pain that it started off with and I put my heart and soul into it. Back then I didn’t know what I know now and so unfortunately I ended up plummeting into a depressive, sleepless and anxiety ridden spiral of pumping and taking medication to increase my milk supply until I just couldn’t hack it anymore.
By the time I reached 2 months I was already in the top up trap, using formula to sustain my hungry baby (because I wasn’t making enough milk) and if I knew then, that was creating more of a problem than it was helping; I wouldn’t have done it. By 4 months, I gave up and stopped completely.
I was blessed with a colicky- silent reflux baby who arched her back and screamed at the boob most nursing sessions so it made it difficult to do the natural thing. I was backed into a corner of constant pumping, telling myself I was doing what was best for her by milking myself like a cow to maintain the old saying “Breast is best”.
Let me just say; whatever works for you is what’s best- not that toxicity!
I am haunted by the sound of the Medela pump. I would be up every 3 hours at night pumping for 20 minutes at a time when I could have been sleeping. I would doze off multiple times in that 20 minute time frame listening to the constant droning hum. Then get up and zombie walk to the kitchen to put the measly 60mls combined into a bottle and wash all my pump parts so they were ready for the next round in 3 hours.
I drove myself insane.
I also had no idea how much nutrition played a role. I was never eating back then. I never had time. If I got 30 minutes to myself during one of her naps, it was a tough decision to sleep, shower, eat, pump or catch up on house work. And if it was eating it was something quick, not necessarily nutritious or full of all the good-stuff I needed to sustain my milk supply.
And with all of that came the stress. The number one lactation killer!
It was really just a matter of time.
Now, on my second breast feeding journey; not only have I have done extensive research, but I eat like there’s no tomorrow prioritising nurturing my milk supply and sustaining myself and my baby.
I can really pack the food away haha! I’m kind of embarrassed how fast and how much food I can gulp down in such a short time frame- because I have too. I have to get back to business so I cram it all in like it’s my first meal in days. Maybe I can start competitive eating? Haha.
My body is holding a little more jelly than it needs these days because of that, but that’s okay- because the milk is in abundance and that’s my main focus right now. You can tell my son has never skipped a meal either. He’s just reached 6 months and he’s tipping over the 10kg mark on the scales which I’m very proud of! Everybody loves his squishy-ness, especially me.
I feel so blessed to be able to feed my baby with my own body and no issues this time around. It really has eased some of the post-partum despair I had the first time around and healed some of my mum-guilt.
I gave myself the goal of extending my breastfeeding journey beyond 4 months, and I’m really proud of the fact I have made it 6 months and counting. It has been an amazing personal goal to accomplish but I have to say, it’s not for everyone and it is not worth your mental health if you have a shitty experience with it.
To all the parents out there who struggled like I did the first time around; don’t be so hard on yourself- however you feed your baby, it has to work for the whole family- especially mum! If I had one piece of advice from my breast feeding journey it would be, try your best, remain calm and drink lots of water! And if its causing your mental health to deteriorate- its ok to stop!
I really ran myself to the ground trying to make it work and I shouldn’t have. I suffered a great deal of depression in 2020 and I pushed myself way too hard, only making it worse.
Perhaps it was silly to set myself up with this goal after what was so unattainable for me back then, but knowledge is power and I was confident this time. I guess because I have done a lot of mental groundwork on my mindset in the last 4 years I was capable of handling such a task this time. But I also had in my mind that if I was struggling with it again; I would be prepared to give it up- to save my mental health.
Luckily, I haven’t needed to do that and we are onto introducing solids so I feel like we have surpassed the hardest trials of breast feeding and we can start to ease off now. Even though, my son doesn’t seem to think easing off is an option at this point!
It’s been amazing to accomplish this for myself and for my son. I am feeling incredibly grateful and having my full circle moment.
It has been such a special bond to share with my son and I feel so much more connected to my baby and his needs this time. It could just be that I am now a seasoned mother and I know a little more.. or perhaps it’s just his personality blends easily with mine but I can’t move past the connection we share with breast feeding and what it has done for me as a mother.
Thank the heavens above!
Love, Trina x